Aries Baby (Mar 21 - April 20): Impulsive and self-involved, the Aries Baby is ruled by Mars, and as such is often war-like and abusive toward stuffed animals, dogs and smaller babies. This baby doesn’t hold a grudge, and is fun at parties.
Taurus Baby (April 21 - May 21): This baby is quiet, steadfast and loyal, but is generally boring. A Taurus Baby is the Michael Dukakis of babies.
Gemini Baby (May 22 - June 21): All babies are emotionally unstable, but this baby really takes the cake. Laughing one minute, crying the next, and before you know it, he’s convincing you to invest in his cloth diaper pyramid scheme.
Cancer Baby (June 22 - July 23): This baby likes to cuddle. And if one day for some reason you don’t have time to cuddle, the Cancer Baby will never, ever forgive you for it.
Leo Baby (July 24 - August 23) Despite having no discernible talent, this baby is convinced he’s going to make it to the top. Leo babies are as lazy as they are self-deluded.
Virgo Baby (August 24 - September 23) If you like your babies to be seen and not heard, the Virgo Baby is the baby for you. They like a neat and tidy environment, so for a good time strap this baby onto the back of a Roomba while it goes to town. Hours of fun!
Libra Baby (September 24 - October 23) This baby makes a great first impression, until you realize that behind that pleasant, dumb-looking baby exterior the Libra Baby can give a Master Class in being passive aggressive.
Scorpio Baby (October 24 - November 21) This baby is evil.
Sagittarius Baby (November 22 - December 21) Want a laugh? Hang out with this baby! Nobody tells an anecdote like the Baby Archer. They get along great with the family dog, but tend to hate cats (and the feeling is mutual).
Capricorn Baby (December 22 - January 20) Nothing frustrates the Capricorn Baby more than coming face to face with his or her own shortcomings, of which babies have plenty. Every day is an existential crisis for this baby.
Aquarius Baby (January 21 - February 19) This baby scoffs at your social mores. Try putting a pair of pants on this free-spirited baby and you will suffer the consequences.
Pisces Baby (February 20 - March 20) These sweet little babies seem to intuitively connect to grown-ups and other babies alike. Unfortunately, the Pisces Baby is terrified of his or her own anger, which will lead to large therapy bills in adulthood.