my baby is average.

My baby think he's a big deal for having 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 11:40:03 -0500

Somebody’s been spending too much time with Grandma.

My baby finds your lack of faith disturbing.

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 15:10:00 -0400

“Seriously, Dad?” my baby asked me, exasperated. “People are actually legitimately upset about Disney buying Star Wars?”

“Seriously, baby.” I replied, mashing up a banana in a bowl. “It’s not being received well, generally.”

“Oh come on!” my baby cried. “It’s not like the last three movies were any good, amirite??”

“You’re completely right, baby,” I nodded.

“And really, if we’re splitting hairs here,” my baby continued, struggling valiantly against his high chair restraints, “Return of the Jedi wasn’t a real standout either.”

“I don’t know if I agree with you on that one, baby.” I tried to stare him down over his bananas. “Fans have a lot of good memories of that one.”

“Dad!!” my baby yelled. “That dance? At the end? With all those Ewoks? Undignified!”

“Ok, ok baby.” I conceded the point.

“And also, Star Tours has been at the Disney parks since the late 80s, DAD!” my baby wagged his finger at me.

“Honestly, baby, how do you know that?” I asked him quizzically. “You’ve never been there. And you’re also a baby, you wouldn’t be able to get on the ride.”

“Oh my god, Dad, you don’t remember that time??” my baby started whining.

“…No. You’ve never been. I would know.” I said firmly.

“NOT THAT, DAAAD!” he insisted. “That time I put on that hat, and you and Mom started laughing and said I looked goofy, and I didn’t know what that meant, so I looked it up on Ask Jeeves, and it said I was a weird anthropomorphic dog-thing, and I was SOOOOO upset??”

“I fail to see what this has to do with Star Tours, baby,” I admonished him.

“Well…” said my baby, tugging on his ear for no reason, “..after that I kind of got stuck in a Wikipedia hole about Disney attractions. I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS, DAD.”

Tonight I stumbled upon my baby wearing my wedding dress

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 00:11:00 -0400

He was in our bedroom, staring at himself in the full-length mirror, weeping silently.

“What’s wrong, baby?” I asked him gently.

“I’m just so … beautiful…” he whispered.

“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow.

“You know Mom, I saw it in your pictures,” he continued, warming to his topic, “and I really didn’t think it was right for me. But now that I see it, I say yes.”

“Yes what, baby?” I asked, dreading the answer.

“I SAY YES TO THE DRESS, MOM.” my baby snapped at me, rolling his eyes. “Now, how long will the alterations take?”

Coversations with my baby, Romney jokes edition

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 12:13:39 -0400

My baby: Hey dad! did you hear Mitt Romney is courting the gay vote?

Me: That doesn't make any sense.

My baby: Oh yeah! He was concerned that all the job applicants were straight! So he asked his staff to see if there was an app for that! So he download Grindr!

Me: That is the worst joke I've ever heard

My baby: THEY BROUGHT HIM GRINDR! GRINDR'S FULL OF GAY MEN!

I am a cancer and i have a crush on a guy who is a capricorn. will this work?

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 11:08:54 -0400

“Well, at least they both like to stay in!”, my baby said supportively.

My baby feels that neither of you like to go to nightclubs, but you like to cuddle in front of a fire and he would prefer to do his taxes like the robot that he is.

But my baby is quite affectionate, and his best friend is a Roomba, so robots aren’t all that bad.

Thank you for your question.

Dear Average Baby: I told a friend that I would help him move some things this afternoon, but now I just want to sit around and ooze on the couch. How can I get myself motivated to be a good friend? Or, alternatively, what lie can I tell to get myself out of it?

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 10:51:04 -0400

My baby once again thanks his lucky stars that he has such poor muscle tone - he never gets asked to help move things, and it makes him very good at oozing on the couch.

My baby is big on choice. He suggests that you remind yourself you have a choice in this matter and each option has pros and cons. If you choose to help your friend move, you get a good workout, get to spend some time with your friend, and can call in a similar favour later. If you hang out on the couch, you can be comfortable, watch some good tv, and have some you time. Both sound great!

My baby cautions against helping because you feel you HAVE to or making an excuse and feeling guilty, thus not enjoying your oozing time.

As for lies to get out of it, my baby once told his nursery school teacher that he wouldn’t be in class tomorrow because he was “having his leg off in the morning”. When my baby showed up with two legs two days later, the jig was up. So if you’re going to lie, my baby suggests something menstrual cycle related, because nobody will look down there in your private business, unless your friend is a Republican.

Thank you for your question!

Dear Average Baby, due to my state's lax early-voter laws, I voted like a week ago. How do I get running politicians to stop calling me?

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 10:44:00 -0400

My baby will answer your question even though he MUCH prefers his beloved Encarta CD-ROM collection to any online encyclopedia.

My baby suggests you turn the tables on the politicians by asking them about their day in a patronizing and intrusive fashion. My baby loves asking questions like, “And how are YOU today? No really, how ARE YOU?”. When they try to turn the tables, my baby ups the ante, saying things like, “Wow, you must be working hard these days. How do you find a good work-life balance?”, or “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

In my baby’s experience, the caller will either try to get off the phone or respond in an irritated fashion. At this point, my baby likes to adopt an attitude of solicitous concern and murmur in hushed tones, “You seem upset. Is everything ok at home?”

Nobody calls my baby any more.

Hope this helps and thanks for your question!

Dear Average Baby: I have a recurring dream that I'm at my own funeral. I'm not a ghost or anything, just watching. It's scary. What's up with that?

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 10:37:04 -0400

My baby finds this dream to be very spooky!

My baby is reminded of psychoanalyst named Alice Miller, who described a similar dream in her book “The Drama of the Gifted Child”. Although my baby hated this book (he is more interested in the banal, petty daily dramas of the average baby), he wonders if it may apply to you.

“THIS ANONYMOUS PERSON CAN’T EXPRESS ANGER”, my baby yelled angrily. “SHE GIVES AND GIVES AND LISTENS AND LISTENS AND IS SCARED TO BE SELFISH.”

My baby, who has never had any difficulty accessing his own rage, continued confidently:

“She gives up so much of her self she is scared there is nothing left. The funeral is also about the feelings of the people she cares about, not her own. And further, by seeing herself dead she’s punishing herself, rather than accessing the rage she may feel at her loved ones sometimes.”

“Whoa, baby”, I mused. “That’s pretty deep.”

“SHUT UP DAD”, my baby replied.

Thanks for your question!

DEAR AVERAGE BABY WEDNESDAY

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 10:17:14 -0400

My baby’s dispensing advice today, in the following realms:

1) Romantic

2) Parenting

3) Dream Interpretation

4) Astrological Profiling

5) Politics

Send him a question! You might regret it!

My baby won't stop singing about Mitt Romney to the tune of Pocketful of Sunshine.

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 10:07:37 -0400

WELL MITT’S GOT A BINDER FULL A BINDER FULL OF WOMEN

HE’S GOT SOME BROADS AND HE KNOWS THAT THEIR ALL HIS! OH OH OH OH OH!

…

(H/T to the hilarious @annetdonahue on twitter)

Dear Average Baby, I have come seeking some romantic advice. I am in love with my best friend but he is dating another girl, who is a ridiculous freak. How do I win him over? Cause I'm fucking awesome. Also, I would like to add that you are an average baby of refreshing candor and I truly admire your frankness.

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 10:03:00 -0400

My baby heartily thanks you for YOUR candor!

My baby suggests that you stand outside his door carrying a boom box blasting “You Belong To Me” by Taylor Swift, although he cautions this plan will only work if the ridiculous freak is actually you in a wig.

Alternatively, my baby suggests you gently let your crush know about your feelings (that you like him, not that you don’t like his lady friend) over msn messenger and back off a bit until he figures out what he wants to do. If he wants to stay with the other gal, or join the peace corps, that’s on him.

Whatever the outcome is, you can be proud that you handled yourself honestly and honourably and fucking awesomely. My baby may be a huge douche most of the time, but he is usually honest and sometimes honourable.

Thanks for your question!

My baby was tremendously disappointed to find out that Zayn from One Direction was not, in fact, Billy Zane.

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 09:52:20 -0400

“Four teens and Billy Zane! Now THAT’S a great band!”, my baby sighed wistfully.

My baby hates the idea of a potential new sibling so much he's taken to writing horrible reviews of his mother's uterus on tripadvisor.

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 07:13:27 -0400

“And yelp!”, my baby yelped.

My baby keeps trying to import clubpenguin.com to Mendeley.

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:56:40 -0400

Say what you want about my baby, but he is very committed to APA style referencing.

My baby wants a mom who laughs for no one else. When he’s...

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 10:59:00 -0400

My baby wants a mom who laughs for no one else.

When he’s away she leaves her make-up on the shelf.

When he’s away she never leaves the house.

My baby wants a mom who laughs for no one else.

My baby is a huge creep.

My baby is really into writing A Song of Ice and Fire Fan...

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 14:40:00 -0400

My baby is really into writing A Song of Ice and Fire Fan Fiction.

Titles include, “A Feast for Babies” and “A Storm of Gourds”

My baby only writes chapters from the perspectives of his favourite characters - Rickon Stark, Hodor and Brienne of Tarth.

(Amazing House Stark Lego by Sam Beattie - http://sambeattie.wordpress.com/)

My baby’s favourite Game of Throne character is Baby...

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 14:21:44 -0400

My baby’s favourite Game of Throne character is Baby Rickon.

They have a lot in common.

My baby has insisted that I reorganize his library to comply with the Dewey Decimal System.

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 14:17:39 -0400

Grudgingly, I obliged him - things were going fine until he saw that I had placed his introductory text on Stage Hypnosis in section 134 (Mesmerism and Clairvoyance).

“DAD!” my baby yelled angrily. “THAT CODE IS NO LONGER USED!”

“Calm down, baby”, I replied sternly. “How about we put it in 791 - Public Performances?

“NO!” my baby wailed, throwing himself to the ground. “It’s not in keeping with the spirit of the book!”

“Fine, baby. I don’t care. Where do you want me to put it?”

“154 - Subconscious and altered states”, my baby mused thoughtfully.

My baby's ill-advised campaign for decreased parental powers and increased baby autonomy has hit a snag.

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 13:54:49 -0400

Someone posted a speech my baby gave at his daycare and it went viral.

“There are 47 percent of babies who will vote for their parents no matter what,” My baby says in one clip. “All right — there are 47 percent who are with their parents, who are dependent on their parents, who believe that, that they are victims, who believe that parents have the responsibility to care for them. Babies who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing.”

My baby goes on.

“My job is not to worry about those babies. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives”.

My baby really doesn't care that he was sorted into Slytherin.

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 23:19:35 -0400

My baby thinks Slytherins are Gryffindors who are actually honest with themselves.