April 2011
175 posts
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“Now there’s a couple of people who are going to have an average baby.”
– - My baby.
He’s just jealous.
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“Well, Dad. It was Kate Middleton, with the Lace, at Westminster Abbey. Now we...”
– - My Baby
My baby has also decided what he wants to be when he grows up - a choirboy.
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Conversations with my baby, categorical imperative...
My Baby: Mom, if we were hiding with lots of people and murderers were coming to get us and a baby started crying, would you kill the baby to preserve the safety of the group?
Me: I think it's tough to answer having never been in that situation. What about you?
My Baby: Oh Mom! I cannot imagine ever killing a baby! I just Kant!
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My baby is worried that public school will not...
You know what else wouldn’t meet my baby’s unique educational needs? Working 16 hour days in a coal mine or a textile factory.
Suck it up, baby!
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My baby tells the worst jokes in the world
My Baby: Knock Knock!
Me: Who's there?
My Baby: It's me.
Me: It's me who?
My Baby: What?
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“That’s Marquess Average Crispin Babyskitt of Babyton to you, Mom!”
– That’s the last time we let our baby use the Royal Name Generator before bedtime.
jedipoles-deactivated20110611 asked: your life is faabulous. what average advice do you have for boring babies?
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My baby is being nosy again
Please accept my apologies if you received an awkward message from him in your inbox.
Alternatively, if you would like an awkward message in your inbox from my baby, let him know in the replies.
Don’t say you weren’t warned - there’s nothing worse than getting stuck in a conversation with a baby at a cocktail party or on the internet.
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My baby demanded that the Constitution of his...
“Babies in this classroom pledge to support and defend the Rules of this Nursery School, no more and no less”, my baby opined pompously.
My baby also chose to leave out the more controversial parts of the constitution, like the bits about a black baby only counting for 3/5 of a white baby.
“Baby, you know that a lot of hard work had to be done to change the constitution,...
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My baby is shocked and appalled about the recent...
So my baby has decided to put together a list of people NOT born in the US to illustrate the pointlessness of this whole exercise.
Alexander Hamilton (Born 1755 or 1757 in Nevis, British Virgin Indies)
John Sidney McCain III (Born 1936 in Panama Canal Zone, Panama)*
Henry Kissinger (Born in Fürth, Germany, 1923)**
O RLY? Taitz (Born 1960 in Kishinev, USSR)
*American territory blah blah blah,...
andothercuriosities asked: The good people of Tumblr request, no... DEMAND to see this average baby's average birth certificate. Only then will we (maybe) believe he was born!
dunkinmycloud asked: Does your mother smell of elderberries? I suspect she does.
houseofjules2 asked: Does your baby have a favorite singer/band or genre of music?
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“How come the people angriest about the idea of Sharia law are the same people...”
– My Baby.
My baby has a very rudimentary understanding of politics, religion and social issues, because he is just a baby. But even he can see the irony in Theocrats bashing Theocracies.
doitornotatall asked: Dear Average Baby,
Not sure if this is a taboo question to ask babies but how old are you? And how old do you actually feel?
Not sure if this is a taboo question to ask babies but how old are you? And how old do you actually feel?
rosemarysbabyjane-deactivated20 asked: Dear Average Baby,
What do you do for fun? Any hobbies?
What do you do for fun? Any hobbies?
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Average Baby Tuesday Question Period
My baby so excited to have an influx of new followers, although this has also meant my baby has had an influx of new trolls, which has also meant my baby has spent more time than usual being self-obsessed. And that’s saying something, because babies are completely self-obsessed already.
If the urge strikes you, ask my baby a question!
You might regret it, but you might not.
But you...
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My baby's been elected Chairbaby of the Board at...
He paid each baby $50.
My baby bought votes in exchange for offering up business contracts to his entrepreneurial baby cronies with a 10% kickback built in for my baby.
“Baby, that’s illegal!”, I cried.
“No, Mom. That’s capitalism!”, my baby replied exuberantly, doffing his top hat and twirling his fake moustache in a sinister fashion.
futurabolditalic asked: My girlfriend and i were discussing what should be considered canon in the averagebabyverse. I argue that everything posted here is true and therefore canonical. She seems to endorse multiple continuities in the averagebabyverse. Average Baby, who is right?
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If my baby were a font, he would be comic sans.
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My baby wanted to go to Disney World
We couldn’t afford it, so instead we took him through a car wash and bought him a turkey leg.
“What fun, Dad!”, my baby proclaimed. “But those sea monsters were pretty scary for a baby! Regardless, I can see why they call it the Happiest Place on Earth!”
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Websites on which my baby lurks anonymously
www.thebump.com
www.theknot.com
www.thenest.com
www.circleofmoms.com
www.stormfront.org*
*”They don’t self-identify as racists, Dad! In fact, they spend all their time accusing other people of being racist! If they aren’t racists, who is? I mean, really! And tell our followers not to click the link! Those people are horrible!”
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My baby's going through a NO! phase.
I’m only hearing negative: No! No! No!
But my baby says I only hear what I want to. I don’t listen hard.
I don’t pay attention to the distance that he’s running, to anyone, anywhere.
I don’t understand if he really cares.
…
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Awkward moments at my baby's first playgroup.
Mom 1: Your baby is just stunning. She's such a doll!
Mom 2: Thank you! She is our little princess. And who is this adorable little boy?
Me: Oh, that's just my baby.
Mom 1: Isn't he just so handsome! Does he look more like you or his daddy?
Me: You know, I think he looks more like a cross between Fred Armisen and Yoda. Can you see it? Around the eyes?
Mom 2: Honey, is everything alright? Sometimes new moms feel overwhelmed and disconnected. Your baby is just lovely -
Me: ...
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My baby gives out the best compliments.
“Mom and Dad! You guys are so dressed up! You look as fancy as Mr. and Mrs. Wayne did right before they got murdered!”
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goodbye-courage asked: Dear Average Baby,
The other night I dreamt that I had a baby that at some point seamlessly turned into a puppy. What does it mean?
The other night I dreamt that I had a baby that at some point seamlessly turned into a puppy. What does it mean?
chasehearts-deactivated20110724 asked: Dear Average Baby,
What is the point of any of this? This seems like you may suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder or potentially Schizophrenia so I'm just curious as to whether there was a hidden purpose to all of this or is it just to be pointless and stupid?
Cheers.
What is the point of any of this? This seems like you may suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder or potentially Schizophrenia so I'm just curious as to whether there was a hidden purpose to all of this or is it just to be pointless and stupid?
Cheers.
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Conversations with my baby, hurt feelings edition.
My Baby: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! Somebody reblogged a post about me and said that this is the stupidest tumblr they've ever seen and that I was causing them to lose faith in humanity.
Me: Well, baby, the losing faith in humanity part may be a bit of an overstatement, but it is a pretty stupid tumblr. And that's part of your charm!
My Baby: What's so stupid about this tumblr?
Me: It's a celebration of a baby who is completely average. Nobody cares about a baby as much as its parents do, so why would anyone want to read about you? How would you feel if you had to read about the average exploits of someone else's baby?
My Baby: But babies are cute and cuddly angels sent from God! AND WHAT ABOUT MY INCISIVE SOCIAL COMMENTARY?
Me: Oh shut up, baby.
Ah mah guh
maritsa:
A mom just told her kid who is having a tantrum “You’re too pretty to cry.”
My baby’s too short to drive a car. He’s also too stupid to vote. And too spiteful to apologize for that thing he did.
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Let's all talk about how much we spent on prom →
fucknojezebel:
Then we can talk about what we spent on our weddings.
For my prom I made a dress out of tape and lentils, walked to the prom, had my dog do my hair, and used make up made out of crushed up color pencils.
Thriftiness is next to godliness.
My baby can’t believe you spent so much money on lentils and colored pencils.
For my baby’s prom at daycare, he wore an old...
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My baby's so vain, he probably things these songs...
Baby Baby, Amy Grant
Baby It’s Cold Outside, Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey*
Be My Baby, The Ronettes
Baby You’re a Rich Man, The Beatles**
All That She Wants, Ace of Base***
* My baby has notoriously terrible taste in covers
** You wish, baby
*** This one makes my baby paranoid. “SHE’S GONE TOMORROW, DAD!!!!”, he cries, scanning the room for Nordic-looking...
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“I often wonder how, in say 2,000 years if people are still around, abortion will...”
– Mom in circleofmoms.com Conservative/Republican community forum.
“Wait a second,” exclaimed my baby. “Is this mom saying human sacrifice had more of a purpose than reproductive freedom? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve seen all day, and that’s coming from a baby...
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My baby has been spending a lot of time lurking on... →
“What do those babies have that I don’t?”, my baby asked churlishly.
“I guess they’re gifted babies”, I replied casually.
“But how do those moms know? Psychologists generally don’t test for giftedness until age seven!”, my baby pressed.
“Maybe those moms recognize the signs their babies are exceptional and want to get advice from...
nerd-gasms asked: Is the statement "I think all babies look alike" racist? Asking for a friend.
pugvenger asked: Dear Average Baby,
I am looking to add some average background music to my admittedly below average library. I use this background music to fuel my inspiration for the average novel I am writing. The novel is of the YA genre, which requires my background music to have average levels of angst and dramatic vocals. Do you have any suggestions for unremarkable, vaguely depressed...
I am looking to add some average background music to my admittedly below average library. I use this background music to fuel my inspiration for the average novel I am writing. The novel is of the YA genre, which requires my background music to have average levels of angst and dramatic vocals. Do you have any suggestions for unremarkable, vaguely depressed...
Anonymous asked: Dear Average Baby,
How did your mom and dad meet?
Love,
A mom to two average babies
How did your mom and dad meet?
Love,
A mom to two average babies
kandles asked: Dear Average Baby,
Is it average for a baby to have their own facebook page?
Is it average for a baby to have their own facebook page?
Anonymous asked: Dear Average Baby,
Most unfortunately, I keep running into my ex at various social events. This would not be so much of a problem if I hadn't have treated my ex poorly while we were together and after we broke up. Seeing each other now is growing increasingly more uncomfortable [what with her staring daggers at me. i can practically feel her hatred for me radiating off her...
Most unfortunately, I keep running into my ex at various social events. This would not be so much of a problem if I hadn't have treated my ex poorly while we were together and after we broke up. Seeing each other now is growing increasingly more uncomfortable [what with her staring daggers at me. i can practically feel her hatred for me radiating off her...
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Olive Garden vs. Applebees: followup question for...
kdek replied to your post:
Yes, but which one gets him more accidentally drunk? Does he prefer sangria apple juice or mudslide chocolate milkshakes?
The sangria apple juice for sure. He’s a sucker for the fruitier libations.
Anonymous asked: Dear Average Baby,
Do you prefer Olive Garden or Applebees?
Do you prefer Olive Garden or Applebees?
prettyplainlife asked: My current job is quite below average in personal fulfillment. I plan on leaving soon, to search for more appropriately average employment. My problem is what to do with my remaining time here? I don't want to check out completely and risk being fired, as I will need these last few weeks of pay. But I also do not want to offer to take on projects and training I will not be able to fulfill....
sauerkrautforever asked: dear average baby,
i am getting a liberal arts degree (along with a political science degree). is my life over? am i destined to be poor forever? and if so, is the knowledge and enjoyment i get out of my program worth it?
i am getting a liberal arts degree (along with a political science degree). is my life over? am i destined to be poor forever? and if so, is the knowledge and enjoyment i get out of my program worth it?
hey-sugar-hey asked: Dear Average Baby;
What is the best plan of attack for studying for and acing my huge history final tomorrow morning?
What is the best plan of attack for studying for and acing my huge history final tomorrow morning?
Anonymous asked: Hi baby.
If you knew your parents were responsible for all your current issues, how do you stop resenting them and repeating same defective patterns, and instead, actually forgive them and move forward with your life?
Too heavy?
Average resentful baby
If you knew your parents were responsible for all your current issues, how do you stop resenting them and repeating same defective patterns, and instead, actually forgive them and move forward with your life?
Too heavy?
Average resentful baby
