March 2011
148 posts
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My baby and I just listened to "We Didn't Start...
“Did you like that song, baby?”, I asked nicely.
“I don’t know, Dad,” he replied thoughfully. “I can see what he was trying to do, but there are some glaring omissions. Like the Internet. He really should have mentioned the Internet.”
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February 2011
114 posts
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My baby is on a drug.
It’s called Baby. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die of boredom. Your face will be covered in banana puree and your parents will weep over your exploded diaper.
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Thankfully, my baby is under no illusion that he...
Because if my baby were a warlock, he would reduce offensive grown-ups in size, so he would be much bigger then them for a change.
“CHARLIE SHEEN! BEN VEREEN! SHRINK TO THE SIZE OF A LIMA BEAN!”, my baby would intone ominously while waving his wand, which is actually a spatula.
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My baby thinks the baby in the mirror is his twin...
My baby has named that baby “Hector”.
My baby likes Hector just fine, but is a bit suspicious of him. Because whenever my baby has a toy and runs into Hector, Hector has the exact same one, and Hector also insists on wearing whatever my baby is wearing on any given day.
“It’s like single mixed-race baby, amirite?!”, he exclaimed.
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“The romance genre is only critically acclaimed if the love exists between two...”
– My baby’s final word on The King’s Speech.
And with that, he fell asleep soundly and almost rolled off the couch.
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We're shutting down my baby's Oscar liveblog
And we’re putting him to bed in his crib. He’s done quite enough and it’s well past his 5pm bedtime.
“5PM Pacific Time, Dad!” piped up my baby erroneously.
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Conversations with my baby, Natalie Portman...
My Baby: Why is K-Fed walking up on stage with her! Is he just going to stand there?
Me: I think he's just walking her up the steps because she's pregnant.
My Baby: When you were pregnant with me, did your legs fall off?
Me: No.
My Baby: So?
Me: I don't know what to tell you.
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My baby just told Senor Spielbergo to shut up
And I heartily agreed with him. “AND YOU BETTER NOT RUIN TINTIN FOR ME!” he screamed lustily.
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My baby is quite anguished over the loss of Dino...
“But Mom, who is going to produce all those trashy Euro erotic thrillers now? Paul Verhoeven only has so much money…”
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My baby is REALLY misbehaving now
“Oh Dad, did Celine Dion die too?”
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And, as luck would have it, my baby LOVES A.R....
My baby loves hearing his Indian roots on Oscar telecasts. Jai Ho!
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My baby is growing weary of this.
He also MUCH prefers the new BBC Sherlock Holmes series to the Downey/Law movie, although he liked that too.
tsg2010 replied to your post:
a man writes this blog?!
Well, our baby is technically a boy, but we’re trying not to impose gender roles. In terms of the transcription of his thoughts, it’s both his mother and father who share this enormous responsibility.
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My baby's favourite Best Original Song is
Moon River, obviously. He’s a hopeless romantic.
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Hey Reese, my baby's Barbie called. She wants her...
(My baby has given his Barbie a time out for being so rude on the phone.)
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My baby loves the foreign film category
“Speaking of Danish, Dad, I’m hungry” my baby informed me. “By the way, make sure they don’t get burned in the oven. And who won the category? That Quebecer thing?”
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My baby is also wearing a cream jacket, white...
He really, really wants Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem to be his real fathers. I look a little like a cross between the two of them, but, as my baby pointed out, I am nowhere near as attractive, both physically and earnings-potential-wise.
Sometimes, baby….
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My baby doesn't care about the animation Oscars
“And I’m a BABY!” he chirped, mugging for the imaginary cameras.
This is the last time we hire Bruce Vilanch as a nanny.
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For the record,
my baby did not consider Melissa Leo. At least, not on his second forged ballot.
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My baby is confused by Kirk Douglas
“You know, Dad,” murmured my baby, staring wide-eyed at the screen, “why did Catherine Zeta-Jones pick this guy?”
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Average Baby at the Oscars
Tim Gunn: Baby! You're looking decidedly...average tonight! Who are you wearing?
My Baby: Yes.
Tim Gunn: I mean the designer's name.
My Baby: Who
Tim Gunn: The designer! What's his name?!
My Baby: What's on second.
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My baby wishes there were a dislike button on...
And that’s all he’s willing to say for now.
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My baby insists that babies are just like precious...
“Every baby is different, and every baby is special,” my baby argued lustily. ”And babies begin as microscopic particles and become something beautiful, just like snowflakes”, he continued smugly.
“Baby, I AGREE”, I countered. ”Babies all look the same from far away, and snowflakes and babies start off cute, but end up as a wet, leaky mess.”
My...
futurabolditalic asked: Average Baby,
I am looking for a new job, but it is a difficult process because I am almost 30, and still have yet to figure out what I want to do with my life. How does the average baby find himself and deal with feeling lost in life?
Also, any resume tips the baby has would be appreciated.
I am looking for a new job, but it is a difficult process because I am almost 30, and still have yet to figure out what I want to do with my life. How does the average baby find himself and deal with feeling lost in life?
Also, any resume tips the baby has would be appreciated.
obsessionfull asked: Dear Average Baby,
Are you planning on watching the Oscars tonight? What are your winner predictions?
Are you planning on watching the Oscars tonight? What are your winner predictions?
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Feeling average?
So’s my baby.
Commiserate by asking him a question!
Nothing’s off-limits. As always, quality of answers are not guaranteed, because babies are pretty dumb, and mine’s no exception.
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My baby can't understand why childhood obesity is...
“I mean, I like cookies as much as the next baby, but I make sure to have them in moderation!”, my baby explained pompously.
“Organic fruit and veggie purees are fabulous, I adore quinoa, and babies would be surprised how delicious and economical lentils can be!”, he continued.
“And although I have a busy schedule, what with playgroup, nursery school, grandma...
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somesortalefty asked: Does it worry you that one day average baby will no longer be a baby? Will he become average child or will he have to replaced? (It can't be particularly hard to find another average baby)
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My baby would love to Walk for Choice tomorrow
But my baby can’t walk yet.
So right now he’s trying to decide whether he wants to Crawl for Choice, Stroller for Choice, or Ride Astride On A Miniature Horse for Choice.
Where the hell am I going to find a miniature horse on a Friday evening? Be sensible, baby.
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My baby has a gorgeous complexion
No fine lines, no wrinkles, no belmishes; just clear, healthy, youthful, glowing skin.
What’s his secret?
HE’S A GODDAMN BABY.
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“Hi Mr Lorre!
Remember me? We met in the Chateau Marmont lobby? I was wearing a...”
– A transcript of the voicemail my baby left the creator of Two and a Half Men this morning.
My baby is nothing if not an opportunist.
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My baby is running for president of his nursery...
My baby’s slogans include:
No War but Class War
BABY We Can Believe In
Bigger Cages! Longer Chains!
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My baby was thrilled when he found out he was...
My baby was hoping the article would be a glowing review of his new one-baby show, “Average is the New Black”.
Unfortunately, the article was titled “Why Does Average Baby Hate Babies?”, and turned out to be a scathing commentary about the way my baby’s celebration of his own mediocrity perpetuates negative baby stereotypes.
My baby is so sad right now.
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My baby runs a lemonade stand with some other...
Unfortunately, the babies are dealing with rising lemon prices, cost overruns, and a baby clientele that has had to cut back on treats in a difficult economic climate.
“How was your Board of Directors meeting?”, I asked my baby sympathetically.
“Dad,” my baby answered with a condescending smile, “We were too busy trying to figure out who held true baby values and...
dadonavail:
My baby will love pizza buffets.
MY baby will love Lisa Bonet.
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My friends don't really like spending time with my...
Friend 1: I haven't worked out in forever - I'm too lazy to run when it's cold out.
My Baby: It's too bad you don't have a baby - no better workout than chasing after little angels all day!
Friend 2: Work is so awful lately - I would love to find something more fulfilling, or at least less soul-destroying.
My Baby: No job can be as satisfying as being a stay-at-home mom.
Friend 3: I am so in love with my kindle - it makes the subway ride fly by.
My Baby: You know, it's really hard to understand what loving something really means until you have a baby.
Friend 4: Trying to decide whether to go to Audrey's birthday thing or just zone out in front of the tv tonight.
My Baby: It must be nice to have so much free time.
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My baby is getting audited. Again.
“Baby,” I sighed, “What compelled you call yourself a small business owner?”
“Mom,” my baby declared confidently, “I’m clearly small, and I obviously take care of business!”
…
My baby also claimed his stuffed animals as dependents and used a fort made of blankets as a tax shelter.
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My baby's secret "Lou Baby" Facebook account has...
Being a big fan of dancing, my baby started listing his preferred styles of dance. His first four Mambos only got a few likes, but the fifth one has been “liked” over 11,000 times. He is completely flummoxed as to why.
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Today In Manufactured Feminist Outrage...
mizjenkins:
Oh for real??? BUT HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE JUST AS INVESTED IN PUSHING BABIES OUT OF HIS VAGINA AS I AM!!!
This insults my intelligence.
My baby only attended birthing classes with his mother because he was promised a $25 Outback Steakhouse gift card, WHICH HE IS STILL WAITING FOR BY THE WAY.
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My baby has a secret "Lou Baby" Facebook account...
Besides staying in touch with his stuffed animals, “Lou Baby” uses Facebook to say “amen” to his own Facebook fan page missives, in the guise of a completely different baby.
“Lou Baby” also really “Likes” Bristol Palin’s Dancing With the Stars photo.
Anonymous asked: Would you be mine, could you be mine
Won't you be my baby
Won't you please, won't you please
Please won't you be my baby?
Won't you be my baby
Won't you please, won't you please
Please won't you be my baby?
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Don't you want my baby?
You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see him Don't you want my baby You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need him It's much too late to find You think you've changed your mind You'd better change it back or you will both be sorry Don't you want my baby? Don't you want him oh Don't you want my baby? Don't you want him oh
Anonymous asked: Dear Average Baby,
I have two brand new baby cousins. After spending the last month around them, I'm not impressed. I have a hard time believing that they will ever progress emotionally enough to find real jobs and finally stop mooching off of their mothers. What careers would you suggest for these drooling, crying blobs?
Thanks for your help,
Doubtful...
I have two brand new baby cousins. After spending the last month around them, I'm not impressed. I have a hard time believing that they will ever progress emotionally enough to find real jobs and finally stop mooching off of their mothers. What careers would you suggest for these drooling, crying blobs?
Thanks for your help,
Doubtful...
thesahmmy asked: Dear Average Baby,
Will you ever consider contributing to our blog fuckyeahkidart? Will you share with the world your average artistic abilities?
Will you ever consider contributing to our blog fuckyeahkidart? Will you share with the world your average artistic abilities?
