November 2012
3 posts
2 tags
My baby think he's a big deal for having 10...
Somebody’s been spending too much time with Grandma.
4 tags
My baby finds your lack of faith disturbing.
“Seriously, Dad?” my baby asked me, exasperated. “People are actually legitimately upset about Disney buying Star Wars?”
“Seriously, baby.” I replied, mashing up a banana in a bowl. “It’s not being received well, generally.”
“Oh come on!” my baby cried. “It’s not like the last three movies were any good,...
4 tags
Tonight I stumbled upon my baby wearing my wedding...
He was in our bedroom, staring at himself in the full-length mirror, weeping silently.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I asked him gently.
“I’m just so … beautiful…” he whispered.
“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow.
“You know Mom, I saw it in your pictures,” he continued, warming to his topic, “and I really didn’t think it was...
October 2012
11 posts
2 tags
Coversations with my baby, Romney jokes edition
My baby: Hey dad! did you hear Mitt Romney is courting the gay vote?
Me: That doesn't make any sense.
My baby: Oh yeah! He was concerned that all the job applicants were straight! So he asked his staff to see if there was an app for that! So he download Grindr!
Me: That is the worst joke I've ever heard
My baby: THEY BROUGHT HIM GRINDR! GRINDR'S FULL OF GAY MEN!
Anonymous asked: I am a cancer and i have a crush on a guy who is a capricorn. will this work?
paolaandfrancesca asked: Dear Average Baby: I told a friend that I would help him move some things this afternoon, but now I just want to sit around and ooze on the couch. How can I get myself motivated to be a good friend? Or, alternatively, what lie can I tell to get myself out of it?
wikipedia--brown asked: Dear Average Baby, due to my state's lax early-voter laws, I voted like a week ago. How do I get running politicians to stop calling me?
Anonymous asked: Dear Average Baby: I have a recurring dream that I'm at my own funeral. I'm not a ghost or anything, just watching. It's scary. What's up with that?
1 tag
DEAR AVERAGE BABY WEDNESDAY
My baby’s dispensing advice today, in the following realms:
1) Romantic
2) Parenting
3) Dream Interpretation
4) Astrological Profiling
5) Politics
Send him a question! You might regret it!
3 tags
My baby won't stop singing about Mitt Romney to...
WELL MITT’S GOT A BINDER FULL A BINDER FULL OF WOMEN
HE’S GOT SOME BROADS AND HE KNOWS THAT THEIR ALL HIS! OH OH OH OH OH!
…
(H/T to the hilarious @annetdonahue on twitter)
Anonymous asked: Dear Average Baby, I have come seeking some romantic advice. I am in love with my best friend but he is dating another girl, who is a ridiculous freak. How do I win him over? Cause I'm fucking awesome. Also, I would like to add that you are an average baby of refreshing candor and I truly admire your frankness.
3 tags
My baby was tremendously disappointed to find out...
“Four teens and Billy Zane! Now THAT’S a great band!”, my baby sighed wistfully.
3 tags
My baby hates the idea of a potential new sibling...
“And yelp!”, my baby yelped.
My baby keeps trying to import clubpenguin.com to...
Say what you want about my baby, but he is very committed to APA style referencing.
September 2012
5 posts
5 tags
3 tags
3 tags
3 tags
My baby has insisted that I reorganize his library...
Grudgingly, I obliged him - things were going fine until he saw that I had placed his introductory text on Stage Hypnosis in section 134 (Mesmerism and Clairvoyance).
“DAD!” my baby yelled angrily. “THAT CODE IS NO LONGER USED!”
“Calm down, baby”, I replied sternly. “How about we put it in 791 - Public Performances?
“NO!” my baby wailed,...
2 tags
My baby's ill-advised campaign for decreased...
Someone posted a speech my baby gave at his daycare and it went viral.
“There are 47 percent of babies who will vote for their parents no matter what,” My baby says in one clip. “All right — there are 47 percent who are with their parents, who are dependent on their parents, who believe that, that they are victims, who believe that parents have the responsibility to care...
August 2012
1 post
1 tag
My baby really doesn't care that he was sorted...
My baby thinks Slytherins are Gryffindors who are actually honest with themselves.
July 2012
16 posts
4 tags
Batman villains who should have been in The Dark...
Clock King
Man-Bat
Egghead
Clock King II
Condiment King
King Tut
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds
The Griddler (“HE STEALS PANCAKES!! FOUR DIFFERENT WAYS!!”)
anthropomorphizedprophylactics asked: Every time I get a Better than Ezra song stuck in my head I think of you, average baby.
1 tag
Anonymous asked: From your baby's twitter it appears that your baby is a fan of the Toronto Blue Jays. Does he cheer for the Jays to be average like him?
837489 asked: Baby, what do you think of the hit film "Magic Mike"?
We took our baby to a fancy restaurant last night
adaptable:
mybabyisaverage:
I asked for a steak salad. My baby ordered a shrimp cocktail.
“Baby, that’s so nice!” I exclaimed. “You’re normally such a picky eater, I had no idea you liked shellfish!”
“Well, normally I try to keep Kosher,” he replied, adjusting his bib patiently.
“Really? But baby, you really don’t have to do that. You’re not Jewish.”
There was a long silence.
“…..what?”...
houseofjules2 asked: How does your baby deal with performance anxiety when trying new things (especially when it may lead to a job, although I know your baby is just a baby and therefore isn't dealing with employment woes)?
3 tags
2 tags
My baby is itching to answer your questions today.
Actually, that’s just his eczema flaring up again.
You can ask him a question anyway if you like: just click http://mybabyisaverage.tumblr.com/ask
As always, he is happy to provide very average, often inexplicable and sometimes frankly baffling answers focusing on:
parenting, relationship, or career advice
dream interpretation or astrological profiling
film, movie or music reviews
his...
2 tags
2 tags
2 tags
Whenever my baby spends any time with a female...
My baby replies that the Patriarchy called and it wants its discourses back.
1 tag
Anonymous asked: You've had this blog for a while now, isn't average baby more of a toddler or a like a regular potty trained kid?
3 tags
My baby loves pinning photos to his Pinterest
…If by “his Pinterest” I mean “other babies in playgroup”.
…And by “pinning photos to” I mean “extorting money from”.
3 tags
We took our baby to a fancy restaurant last night
I asked for a steak salad. My baby ordered a shrimp cocktail.
“Baby, that’s so nice!” I exclaimed. “You’re normally such a picky eater, I had no idea you liked shellfish!”
“Well, normally I try to keep Kosher,” he replied, adjusting his bib patiently.
“Really? But baby, you really don’t have to do that. You’re not...
3 tags
Selected excerpts from critical reviews of my...
(entitled “VERTICAL INTEGRATION”, now available on the finest filesharing websites or on quadruple vinyl at your local record store)
“Exhausting” - New York Magazine
“Turgid” - New York Times
“…This baby is a clumsy lyricist and a workmanlike composer, yet there is something to be said for his work ethic.” - Cornwall Standard-Freeholder
...
June 2012
11 posts
2 tags
Baby Astrological Profiles
Aries Baby (Mar 21 - April 20): Impulsive and self-involved, the Aries Baby is ruled by Mars, and as such is often war-like and abusive toward stuffed animals, dogs and smaller babies. This baby doesn’t hold a grudge, and is fun at parties.
Taurus Baby (April 21 - May 21): This baby is quiet, steadfast and loyal, but is generally boring. A Taurus Baby is the Michael Dukakis of babies.
...
3 tags
2 tags
The Top Ten Most Common Complaints About Human...
Poor personal hygiene
Too short to go on rides at any amusement park
Unsophisticated palates
As a group, babies have a horrible work ethic
Babies are terrible listeners; whenever something good happens in YOUR life you can never be sure if a baby is genuinely happy about it
They can be racist
Babies make everything take twice as long - if you’ve ever put on a performance of...
thehoard asked: My baby seems to think the rules of gravity don't apply to him (and has given me several bouts with what feels like heart attack as a result). How can I convince him that they do?
Conversations with my baby, memes edition
My Baby: Hey Dad! What did Grimace say when Ronald McDonald asked where all the bitches were at?
Me: Language, Baby!
My Baby (ignoring me): THAT’S A BRO QUESTION, CLOWN!
For as much as my baby loves The Boss
The lyrics of “Born To Run” really force him to face his limitations head-on.
Tramps like us, baby we were born to run? Has Bruce Springsteen ever seen a baby try to run?
Anonymous asked: I too am a procrastinator! When I should be working, I mindlessly spend time on the internet instead. What tips does an Average Baby have for someone trying to delay procrastination in favour of actually getting stuff done?
Anonymous asked: Did you watch the Queen's Jubliee? If you were to celebrate your own Jubilee, what kind of festivities would there be?
Anonymous asked: What would your baby do for a Klondike Bar?
2 tags
My baby was offered a 5% Partnership at Sterling...
…doing some goddamn work for once.
2 tags
My baby has been seriously slacking off.
He really has the work ethic of an average baby.
HOWEVER, my baby thanks you for sticking with him and promises more content, in this, the summer of the average baby.
So please support his frankly uncharacteristic burst of productivity by asking him a question!
May 2012
13 posts
My baby is loving the new google homepage.
The bad news is he’s dropping out of nursery school to cultivate his “talents”.
3 tags
My baby really likes the song about the wreck of...
2 tags
Every time I buy my baby a onesie he insists on...
